Tiger Woods strikes new sponsorship deal

The heated battle for Tigers Woods’ new sponsor is over. After the consulting firm Accenture dropped the golfing phenomenon, the rest of the sponsors were sure to follow. The watchmaker Tag Heuer was on the fence as to what to do about America’s newly revealed playboy. Nike, though not publicly, were mulling over whether they should keep their logo on Woods’ balls (they weren’t sure what to do about his golf balls either).

Another sponsor threw his hat in the ring– me. I couldn’t resist the opportunity to get a big name to be my sponsor. I did have a heated battle with the Japanese company Mucus Away– inventor of the Head Tissue. An invention that is almost certain to get a few curious customers…eventually.

Though neither myself nor Mucus Away were able to compete with the $100 million deal Woods struck with Nike, both of our offers were more in line with Woods’ new going rate.

Mucus Away was close to striking a contract with an offer of $25, a cup of coffee, and a free Head Tissue. I scooped the deal last night when I matched the offer and added a two donuts to the deal and a night out to the movies. Though not a big donut fan, Woods was looking for a night out away from the wife.

Now as his sponsor I have plenty of appearances for him, starting with a trip to the grocery store. Then off to the Ministry of Transportation where he will wait in line and keep me company when I renew my license. Finally to end the week, he’s coming out to the bar and introducing me to ladies as his ‘lifelong mentor’.

This deal is sure to keep Woods afloat as his sponsors drop one by one.

“I’m glad that I was given another chance” said Woods in a press conference, adding “I wish I still had my big money sponsors, but at least I still get the ladies.”

As part of his new contract he ended the press conference the same way he is required to from now on: ”Oh, and Mike Nelson is truly awesome.”